An Open Letter to my Therapist 

Dear therapist,

I just keep feeling this internal void, I just feel like something is missing. I don’t know what it is…but it’s not there and when I stop “doing,” it becomes all more apparent.

I am what I do…I’ve said it so many times. If that were taken away, who would I be? I’d spiral into depression I think.

I spend all this time staring at the ceiling because I can’t bear to deal with my life another day…but I keep getting up for some reason. Why am I always angry? Why do I shove everything down until I feel like I want to explode? Why don’t people see me? Don’t they understand how hard every day is? No one understands….I just feel totally alone. Even though people say they’re there I don’t feel it. I feel alone. I wish someone would come to save me but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Nothing feels real sometimes. I wonder if I’m really real.

I’m constantly going and going and still that void is there. Sure, I’ve accomplished a lot – I have so much to be proud of…but it doesn’t really matter. If I stop to think about that it’s crushing…but what’s the point, right?

I’m always stressed and I’m so far in I don’t even know what I need anymore. I certainly don’t want to think about it because I have no idea how to get out of it. How do you get out of something that defines you even though you know it’s killing you? I’m trapped and there’s literally no way out I can see.

Why do people treat me like this? None of my relationships are satisfying…I just feel used and exhausted all the time. I’m constantly doing these mental gymnastics, wondering why I’m the only one working so hard to maintain these relationships. I feel everything people feel. I would literally do anything for the people I love, I go above and beyond…why is it always me? When does someone else meet me here?

I’ve been trying so hard for so long I feel like an empty shell of a person. The more I DO it seems like things get worse.

I don’t want to think about these things. I don’t want to die, but I don’t see any other way out of this sometimes.

I don’t feel safe. I’m always worried that I’m not doing enough, I’m not good enough. I can always try HARDER. I can push myself more. I know I have crazy high expectations of myself but they don’t seem that way to me. People tell me all the time I do a great job, but I don’t think they know I feel like I’m dying most of the time. But I can’t stop…that’s who I am. It’s what I do. Who am I without that?

My body is pushing me to stop…my hair is falling out, I’m always exhausted, I look like crap…I feel like crap. But those plates…they have to keep spinning. What will people think of me if I stop? I don’t think people like me most of the time. I’m genuinely surprised when people seem to care. I’m never expecting it. I’ve gotten so good at bending conversations to my will and not sharing too much. How much is too much? I have no idea. I’ve never really had good friends. It all seems foreign. I’m so self-conscious. I know people will like the façade, I’m just not sure they want the other stuff. I’m not even sure I feel comfortable sharing or if I can…it’s genuinely scary. I always feel like I’ve over shared anyway.

I just don’t know how to do these things…relationships mostly, of any kind. I just wish there was a rule book or something. I don’t know what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing or how I’m supposed to be feeling or handling all of this. I really have no blueprint for relationships, for living…for managing my emotions. I either stuff it down or I feel out of control, there really is no in-between. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to get out of this

No one helps me. I don’t want to take medications, I’m genuinely scared. I tried one once and it didn’t seem to do anything anyway. I was given a pain med once and that scared me because of how much better it made me feel. I want it but I don’t want it, you know? I know it’s wrong but I want an escape.

I can’t even be around people for too long because it gets overwhelming. Like I said, I feel everything that they feel. It gets to be a lot sometimes. I don’t always know when something is mine or someone else’s…why am I like this? Then I try to help others…people always come to me with their problems but I rarely go to them. I’m good at helping people and I really like to.

I just don’t want to feel empty anymore. I want to have someone or people who are there for me too! I don’t want it to be so hard, my relationships I mean…but I guess life in general. I just want things to be easier. I want to feel free and like I’m actually whole, not this broken outline of a person. I don’t know what that void is but I want it to feel strong, and stable, like an anchor inside of me and I want to be proud and know that I am loved and I am not alone…that I will never be alone. That I am so much enough and more. I want to go into every day feeling peace, knowing that I am good, and loved, and whole. I want to know what I want and how to get there. I don’t want to give and give and give and then never get what I truly need. I want relationships that are easy, fun, deep, loving, and to feel connected to the core to these people…really understood, you know? I want to know I’m worth it, no matter what. I want to know that I’ll be ok no matter what. If someone walks away, if one of those plates fall, I want to know that I will be ok, even if it might be hard for a while. I want to know that that does not define me. I want the strength to walk away from people, relationships, situations, work, tasks, activities, and places that do not serve me. I want to choose myself and my happiness without feeling guilty about it or like I’m letting someone (or everyone) down. I know that I’m supposed to love myself and take care of myself first, but I don’t know how to get there. I certainly want to though. I want to learn what I really want and need, figure out how to meet these needs, and develop guideposts so that I know where I’m going and never stray too far away from this again. I want to know that, no matter what, I have myself and I am not alone and I will get through anything as long as I listen to myself and my needs and have the courage to honor and respect them.

Sincerely,

~ your client