Is This Healthy?

With C-PTSD, our relationships may not always feel healthy. Sometimes we can shut off, shut down, or feel completely insecure and need more and more validation. We've been through a lot...a lot of relational trauma in particular...so it's no surprise that our relationships are affected.

What general relationship struggles do those with complex trauma face? Why?

Well, because those with complex trauma may have grown up in chaotic households and faced emotional deprivation, neglect, and/or abuse (physical/ emotional/sexual), relationships likely do not feel safe. We may notice that emotions become easily overwhelming and we have trouble regulating them. We may not trust others, fearing betrayal, abandonment or abuse.

There are numerous symptoms that impede healthy relationship patterns. Complex trauma may have also caused the development of maladaptive attachment styles.

Here is an infographic demonstrating the generally accepted attachment styles and their features:

Recognize yourself in any of these?

Check out this video for further clarification on where you may fall in the attachment style spectrum:

Although this video is discussing romantic relationships in particular, the principles can be applied to nearly any relationship.

Take this quiz to see what your current attachment style may be.

You may have fallen into one of the three attachment styles which is not secure. That is completely ok! I would even say it is normal based on what you may have been through if you suffer from C-PTSD.

You may be asking, "what can I do about it?" Good question!

As always, I recommend you seek out a therapist in your area to work on healing the complex trauma and, therefore, healing the causes of your maladaptive attachment. However, there are a few coping skills I recommend.

1. Grounding: Grounding is intended to bring you back to the present moment. At times we may be feeling anxious about our relationships, however, the more we look into the future and fear what is to come, the more our anxiety builds. By bringing ourselves back to the moment, we can combat this. There are three general types of grounding - mental, physical, and soothing. Please refer to these documents from the Seeking Safety curriculum for further information on this.

2. Distraction: Sometimes, simply by distracting ourselves, we can allow an emotion to naturally pass without acting on it. The Buddhist analogy states that emotions and thoughts are simply clouds going through the sky. We are the sky. If we can distract ourselves long enough, we give our emotions time to naturally pass and allow ourselves to re-regulate. Here is a comprehensive list of distraction coping activities.

3. Check your thoughts: It can be scary to give your partner or loved one the benefit of the doubt...sometimes impossible. However, it can help to check our thoughts to determine if they are true or not. Although all of our thoughts are REAL and deserve compassion and respect, they may not all be TRUE. If we have an anxious attachment style, we may seek significantly more validation and worry our partner/loved one will betray or abandon us. If we can look at the facts of a situation, we may notice discrepancies between how we are feeling and what is likely true and actually going on. By slowing down and doing this, we can save ourselves from reacting to potentially untrue emotions and causing conflict.

4. Learn Healthy Communication Patterns: We may notice that we avoid strong emotions or conflict in relationships because we are afraid to feel intense emotions, we do not know how to handle them, or we fear what our partner's reaction will be. It can be very helpful to learn emotional regulation (some examples stated above) as well as how to best express our feelings, needs, and concerns. This will help us to learn our emotions do matter - we matter - and are loved by those around us, despite what our traumas may have led us to believe. Here is a helpful list of healthy communication skills to begin applying.

5. Practice Self Compassion: It can be difficult to heal from complex trauma and learn how to have healthy relationships. Be kind to yourself. Respect your emotions and thank them for being there. They are trying to protect you - and they have done a good job so far! Just let your brain know you are ready to do something different now and move into a higher level of functioning. Compassion is a true path to healing.

For more information about why attachment styles are important to our mental health and overall functioning, you may want to, again, check out Kati Morton's videos. I have listed one below on this topic:

I hope these tips help! Let me know if you want to know more about how trauma impacts relationships and attachment.

All the best,

~ Kelsey