Falling in love? Or comfort…
Attachment Style
People may fall in love fast and easily for a number of reasons, they both boil down to not having an optimal attachment style. There are four primary attachment styles, anxious, fearful avoidant, dismissive, and secure. Those who find themselves quickly swept off their feet may be the anxious type. With this attachment style comes a persistent desire to be connected to that special someone. People with this attachment style may meet someone, feel a connection, and fall in love rather quickly. They may find themselves worrying that their SO doesn’t love them and, therefore, frequently seek reassurance. These people long to be connected and loved by someone, but often find a partner who is somewhat less clear about their affections. They may find themselves chasing this person, only to feel let down. Why is this?
What Causes an Anxious Attachment?
People with this attachment style seek such close attachment, falling in love quickly and easily, often because they seek the emotional connection that they never received when they were growing up. By and large, this occurs due to a person’s parent being emotionally neglectful in some way. When a parent is emotionally unavailable to their child, the child learns that they must strive and struggle to receive love, connection, and affection. Children may develop what is known as an emotional deprivation schema. A schema is a way of seeing oneself and/or the world. Children with this particular schema feel that love is difficult to attain and they themselves are not worthy of it. In adulthood, this translates to individuals clinging to partners, not setting boundaries (or limitations) in relationships, and a need for persistent validation. People with this schema may find themselves immediately attracted to certain people and becoming very close very quickly. They may fall deeply in love, or at least what they believe to be love. The truth is, that immediate attraction is due to the person’s emotional deprivation schema being triggered.
Whenever one falls in love so quickly, it is likely due to this phenomenon. The person with the schema may feel immediately comfortable with this person and believe it was “meant to be.” This is because something about this new person has triggered their schema. Unfortunately, comfort is not the same thing as love. Moreover, how these individuals are accustomed to feeling loved (due to their childhood experiences) is through emotional neglect of some sort, which is often what they find in their immediate love connection.
What Can People Do About This?
Awareness is always the first step. People can look at the types of attachment styles, perhaps even take a quiz, and see which they are most aligned with. Once a person is aware of their attachment, they can more easily see potential pitfalls. Additionally, individuals may consider talking with a therapist to discover where their attachment style comes from, as well as work on associated tendencies. For example, anxiously attached individuals may consider working on boundary setting with themselves and others. These people could take time to consider how they feel about themselves and, if necessary, work on improving their self-esteem as well.